The Masters
For the last two weeks I’ve been trying to write something poetic about what The Masters means to me, but screw that. I can barely contain my excitement. I have no poetic wisdom to offer. This is the best week of the year, which is a strange thing to say, considering I’m about to spend no less than forty hours glued to a television screen.
Before we get into some hunch-based analysis, I want to call your attention to a video we released yesterday. In case you missed it, six weeks ago we put out a call for Learning Center employees. We weren’t entirely sure what we were looking for — just that we wanted to expand our video content in 2026. We got some absolute doozies. Some brilliant. Some completely unhinged.
The video features one of those submissions: Cliff Rocker, a rookie club pro. We’ll be bringing him into the fold over the coming months. And if early reviews are any indication, a certain segment of our online audience is pissed that the content doesn’t exclusively feature Club Pro Guy. Frankly, that seems like a personal problem. Aside from suggesting therapy, I’m not sure what else to offer — CPG’s retirement, while decadent and depraved, is starting to bore him. He wants to try some new things. As we move forward, he’ll be mentoring Cliff as he transitions into his new life as a club pro.
According to X user Sweeper__69: “Cliff sucks”
As a new club pro, Cliff will have to take a lot more shit than this, so I’m all for the constructive criticism, but don’t take it from Sweeper__69, check it out for yourself.
Onward to Augusta. My head is spinning in so much pre-tournament coverage, I’m actually starting to believe that Jordan Spieth is going to waltz onto the course, ten years after his career-altering collapse, and walk away victorious.
Maybe that’s foolish. It probably is. I’m trying to talk myself out of it, but this tournament truly feels like anybody’s game, so why not some Spiethian magic?
Rory McIlroy:
- After closing out the career Grand Slam last year, does he have it in him? Who the hell knows. Honestly, I haven’t missed him the last few weeks — more and more, he’s starting to irk me.
- Once again, Rory has been preparing with Dr. Bob Rotella. I listen to Putting Out of Your Mind on my way to the course fairly often. Frankly, I’d be better off with a book about avoiding Miller Lite and Fireball at the turn.
- During Rory’s Tuesday presser he talked about the goal posts moving every time he accomplishes something major, but that he’s focused on the journey. Textbook Dr. Bob.
Scottie Scheffler:
- He and his wife welcomed their second child on March 27th. Remy, the child is called. Oui, oui, little guy. This can go one of two ways for Scheffler: either he sprays it all over the place, or he shows up with that weird new-dad freedom, totally loose.
- As per ESPN, Scottie is 111-under par in majors since 2020, which is 45 strokes better than second place.
- In my season preview column, I expressed my opinion that something dark was brewing within Scheffler. To a certain extent, I still believe that — but perhaps the aforementioned new-dad freedom is what he needs to push him back over the hump.
Akshay Bhatia:
- Lefties have historically played very well at Augusta, and Akshay’s game is in a great place, but he still feels a little too wholesome to waltz onto the biggest stage and walk away a winner. I’m not sure he has that killer instinct. He might be generationally talented, but is he stone cold? Doesn’t feel like it. I think he needs to spend a summer at Tiger’s. Maybe pick up an arrest or two. A couple nights in the drunk tank. Put a little hair on his chest. Once that happens, I’ll start picking him in the majors.
- He does have Joe Greiner on his bag, Max Homa’s old caddie — and Homa went T3 in 2024 and T12 in 2025.
- His Champions dinner menu? Tofu.
Nicolai Højgaard:
- The rattier half of the brothers Højgaard. I put $20 on him. Statistically, he’s one of the most consistent players in the field. I am the lord of the rats, said he.
- His Champions dinner menu? Pickled herring and Jarlsberg. Techno over the house speakers. Dessert: cigarettes.
Bob MacIntyre:
- His approach play has been all over the place this year, but his driving and putting are exceptional. More importantly, his short game has played very well at Augusta. Last year he missed the cut, but if his iron play is halfway respectable, I like him in the top-5, particularly since the course should be playing firm and fast.
- His dinner menu? Haggis and Elijah Craig. Dessert: Dr. Bob Rotella’s lunch.
Bryson:
- He’s won twice in a row on LIV. His tee-to-green game has been lights out. Last year’s iron play at Augusta was tough to watch.
- His dinner menu? Protein and YouTube content.
Patrick Reed:
- A past champion who has been in great form since leaving LIV. As of a couple weeks ago my Saturday group added a new guy who looks exactly like Patrick Reed. Despite the fact that he seems like a very nice guy, we’re having a tough time trusting him.
- His dinner menu? You can find it online. It’s unapologetically boring. More or less exactly what you’d expect this guy to order:
Ludvig Åberg:
- All these questions about whether he can finish, blah blah blah. Of course he can finish, just look at the guy.
- Champions Dinner: a burrito bowl with brown rice, chicken, fajita veggies, pico, and sour cream.
Xander:
- Some of my previous writings have rubbed a lot of Notre Dame alumni the wrong way. They don’t care for the cut of my jib. I feel the same way about Xander. I can’t in good faith condone betting for him. At his Champions dinner, he wouldn’t serve any food; he’d just make fun of everyone else for being there.
Justin Rose:
- Remember, he lost to Rory in a playoff last year. If he were a TV character, he’d be the guy constantly trying to land his best friend’s girlfriend.
- Tiger should try Rose’s pre-shot alignment routine before his next field sobriety test.
Okay, so where is my money going? According to El Josharino, one of our assistant teaching pros, I should be betting heavy on Spieth. I’m going to ride with that, at least until I convince myself it’s a terrible decision.
Every year, on Wednesday night before the tournament, I have a tradition. I put on a green polo and I go to the grocery store for supplies. One case of Miller Lite. One bottle of Angels Envy. Two lemons. Three trays of chicken thighs (to be smoked over specially ordered Georgia pecan.) One bag of potato chips. A pint of pimento cheese — I can’t stand the stuff, but tradition is tradition.
If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you reading.
It’s going to be a good week. Somebody might need to come with a shovel on Sunday evening to get me from the couch.
In the spirit of growing the game for the next generation, feel free to support the CPG Punch, Chip, and Putt competition.
