CPG's "View from the ProShop"
I still can't believe the season is winding to a close. What a year it's been! Miguel and his staff had the course in impeccable condition from mid-April to June 1st, Darrel just returned from anger management camp in Louisiana, our Beverage cart girl Chastity has started to make questionable life decisions and last but not least, our General Manager Chip is going through a nasty divorce and custody battle. So overall, things couldn't be better.
This is that time of year when me and my staff really plan on "checking out" mentally. There may be days when you walk in to the shop and see me and my staff standing around the counter and you may say to yourself...."What do these guys do all day"? The answer is nothing. We are literally going to loiter around the shop and simply go through the motions. This scene will be commonplace between now and May 1st, so please be on the lookout for that.
Finally, I'm proud to announce my "Get Your Game On For 2019" Lesson Program. This is an exclusive partnership with my friends at YouTube. Here's how it works: You tell me what part of your game needs work and I will email you a link to an existing lesson from a well known instructor on YouTube that covers that exact topic. I will then charge your club account $75.00. What a great way to keep your game sharp over the winter months! Inquire in the shop for more details.
Now let's check in with Miguel!
- Miguel Vega (Head Greenskeeper)
"Minutes With Miguel" - Hola. Heat heat heat in year 2018! so bad grass brown look very dead lots of many places. Does green come back? NOOOOOO! haha. Senior Chip say Miguel! why no sand in bunkers? I say no money, no sand. Watering all done. What good it do? Paths for golfing carts muy dangerous, no driving on them any more por favor? Senior Darrel Bevins put cut-out of Donald Trump in maintenance shed. NOT FUNNY!.
- Darrel Bevins (Head Marshal)
"The Bevins Report"
Gracias Miguel. I believe it was General George S. Patton who said "If you can't play 18 holes in 5 hours, you deserve to get your ass kicked". I love that quote because I think it applies so well to our club and to my overall marshaling philosophy. As the leaves begin to turn and we all enjoy the cool autumn weather, let's remember to pay a little extra attention to keep up with the group in front of us so I don't have to take the good General's words to heart.
Bevin's Bonus Tip! Hitting two balls off the 1st tee (sometimes referred to as a "Breakfast Ball") has gone from a nuisance to an epidemic. Folks, hitting multiple balls is what the driving range is for. The next man, woman or child that I catch hitting a second shot off the first tee is gonna get curb stomped. If you think I'm kidding, go ahead and pull another ball from your pocket and give it a try.
Now, let's check in with our General Manager Chip!
- Charles "Chip" Kennedy (General Manager)
"Chats with Chip"
The Webster's dictionary defines the word "Debt" as - something, typically money, that is owed. Or, The state of owing money.
I'd like to take a moment to inform you, the member, that our club is in the midst of a financial emergency. A true crisis. Earlier this year, I announced a bold plan to strengthen the club's financial position by launching "Operation Groupon". My plan was simple: create immediate cash flow by selling as many "Groupons" as possible without any vetting process whatsoever. In addition, extend to these new Groupon members club privileges equal to or better than our long standing full dues paying members enjoyed. I also allowed them to purchase merchandise in the proshop and food and beverages in the 19th hole on credit using their member number. In retrospect, this may have been a mistake. Nearly every member in this category has run up a substantial bill in the pro shop as well as the restaurant and it is proving very hard to collect these funds. Just this morning, I saw prominent Groupon member J.T. Bass on the 1st tee and asked him about the status of his substantially overdue bill. He said if I want to get paid, I need to reach out to his accounting department at "1-800-EAT-SHIT". This seems to be a popular refrain among our Groupon members and I fear we are going to have to "write off" much of these losses.
You might be asking, where do we go from here? Great question. I have developed a 2 pronged strategy to alleviate our massive debt problem.
1. Dues Increases
2. Capital Assessments
We are immediately implementing a modest 22% dues increase to help undo some of the damage done from our Groupon program. We are making this increase 'retroactive' to last March so look for your November bill to be substantially larger than expected.
We are also implementing an aggressive Capital Assessment in the amount of $7,500 per member that will aid in covering the service on our current debt as well as to help finance the full-scale remodeling of the ladies locker room, which gets virtually no use whatsoever. This assessment will be charged to your December bill in order for it to hit right before the Holidays.
Thanks for your understanding and continued support! See you at the club!