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ClubProGuy Mailbag – Off season Edition

November 29, 2017

ClubProGuy Mailbag – Off season Edition

Hey CPG – It’s the dead of winter and the pro staff at my club acts all busy when I walk in the shop. What gives? Pete W. – Mt. Horeb, WI.

Trust me, they are full of it. They have absolutely nothing to do and they are terrified you will find out. Similar to school teachers, club pros often get defensive when you suggest their job is somehow diminished because of a prolonged off season. We have a real complex about it. Just this morning a member walks in for a standard regrip on his ball retriever and I tell him he can pick it up in 10-14 days. When he pushed back on the lead time I went in to a long explanation about how swamped I was between designing our new Lynx concept shop and negotiating with Molitor Golf for our range ball order. After he left I spent the remainder of the morning toggling between Brazzers.com and the Craigslist personals and was at the local Indian Casino by noon.

CPG – My boyfriend thinks improved fitness this off-season will benefit my golf game. Do you agree? Diane H. – East Lansing, MI

Honestly, I’ve never seen a huge correlation between physically fit women and great golf. I mean, I’m still making payments on the Bowflex I bought my 2nd wife and her game is in the tank. My guess is your boyfriend is a lot more concerned about your muffin top than he is your USGA Index. That being said, I’m certainly not against physically fit women. If you want to send me a series of selfies or maybe a GIF of you working out, I might be able to identify areas in need of toning.

CPG – As a fellow club pro, I find the annual PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando to be an invaluable resource. Would you agree? Steven H. – Newport R.I.

If your definition of ‘invaluable’ is nursing daily hangovers and constantly avoiding the Sabona Bracelet booth because of credit issues, then sure. Other than that, it’s five nights of holding court in the champagne room at Rachel’s Orlando helping several young ladies pay their way through law school. Sadly, my members think I attend the PGA Show in order to find unique tee-gift ideas for upcoming club tournaments. Sorry to disappoint everybody, but it looks like it’s going to be a Cutter & Buck sweater vest and simulated leather valuables pouch again this year.

CPG – I think the virtual lessons on your YouTube Channel are “must see”. Do you have any new ones planned for this winter? Hermann G. – Cologne, Germany

I’m really blessed to have my YouTube channel because it allows me to share my knowledge of the game with golfers worldwide. I was proud that my most recent virtual lesson entitled “16 Swing Thoughts from Transition to Impact” received 67 views, despite the fact that it was 4 hours 47 minutes long. Going forward, I have a Total Game Improvement Series I’m getting ready to launch which includes timeless lessons such as:

* Green Reading for Dummies. And yes, you’re all dummies
* “Rabbit Ears” – The art of effectively blaming bad shots on distant noises.
* How to hide your disappointment when you discover the cart girl’s skirt is actually a skort.
* Yellow Stakes 101 – Let’s get a clue.
* “Did you see the grain grab that?” and 14 other ready-made excuses for missed 3 footers.

ClubProGuy – As a woman looking forward to taking up the game this coming Spring, i’m a little intimidated. Any tips to put me at ease? Ashley P. – Eugene, OR

Make double-bogey your friend, wear outfits that are one size too small and always make tee times after 2:00 PM. Follow these simple rules and you will be among the most popular members in your club. Hope that helps.

CPG – I’m thinking about sending my son to your junior camp but heard it’s unorthodox and even borderline illegal. Do you plan on using this off season to make changes to better accommodate concerned parents? Kristin B. – Sante Fe, NM

Listen, I was the first to apologize last year for having Jared from Subway as our keynote speaker and trouble shot instructor. That was my bad. Having said that, I stand behind my methods because I feel this camp best prepares our young people not only for the game of golf but for the game of life. How many junior camps do you know that teaches the vaunted 30 yard bunker shot in one session and gratuity guidelines for strip club valets in the next session? We teach the art of the knockdown shot in the morning and the art of the double press in the afternoon. We explain when to use the ‘Texas Wedge’ on the golf course and when to use the ‘private browsing’ button on the computer. It’s the only junior camp where your child can learn how to set up a high draw and a DraftKings account. It’s more than a golf camp…..it’s a life camp. I look forward to seeing your son in June.

CPG – Do you work closely with the grounds crew during the winter regarding upcoming maintenance issues? Mitch D. – Oxford, MS

Typically yes. However, my relationship with our greenskeeper Fernando and his staff is currently strained because I jokingly put a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump in the maintenance shack. Despite this setback, we still find time to collaborate on the upcoming ‘capital’ projects. Such as:

* Sourcing a new mat for the driving range.
* Adding gravel to the cart path from #8 green to #9 tee.
* Summer green speed strategy. Is 6 on the stimp meter too fast?
* Bunkers: After each rain should we just play as lateral hazards?

CPG – I’m nearing retirement and considering becoming an on-course marshal here in my hometown. What are your thoughts? Myron Y. – Enid, OK

I don’t want to burst your bubble, but unless you are a former disgruntled middle manager, long time high school assistant principal, retired union worker with documented PTSD issues or a suspended Ferguson police officer, I doubt you’re cut out for it. In the case of our club, we only hire marshals who are extremely grumpy and/or on massive power trips. Just for frame of reference, Bill Belichick wouldn’t make it past the phone interview for a marshal position at our club. Any marshal can lock the cart brake in your backswing or cluelessly wander by your field of vision on a key putt. But it takes a special a**hole to verbally assault a foursome of ladies for unwittingly breaking the 90 degree rule. Or be willing to get in to a physical altercation with the organizer of a charity outing for buying their beer offsite. You seem like a nice guy, I’d opt for being a Wal-Mart greeter and leave marshaling to the professionals.

 



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