Attached is my incident report from the past weekend. While I acknowledge everyone’s help in my stead, I am disappointed with the lack of fervor and diligence when it came to the governance of our club in accordance with the rules and regulations set forth by yours truly.
Sadly, when the cat is away, the mice will play. Never before has that saying been more true.
In my absence, I asked my deputy, Mr. George Brinkle to not use ice in our water coolers as it is a waste of valuable club resources. I have also repeatedly asked that the ice maker be removed from its current location in the closet next to the staff lounge as the closet would be much more useful as a weapons cache.
Furthermore, it should be noted that I have been unlawfully disarmed by our general manager, Mr. Chip Kennedy upon my return to work; thus violating my second amendment right guaranteed under the United States Constitution. I wonder what my friends at the Law Enforcement Alliance of America will have to say about this? He has, however, allowed me to carry a nightstick, bear mace and a 900V taser on course grounds.
With that, I submit to you my incident report from this past weekend.
Saturday, September 14
7:18 a.m. - Hole 1
Member discarded spent cigarette butt on tee box. I approached in silence, re-lit the discarded cigarette, extinguished it on my left forearm and walked away. Message received.
7:32 a.m. - Hole One
While placing a dummy claymore inside the Marshal’s check-in station, I observed Mr. Brinkle being chummy with the late-arriving 7:29 a.m. tee time. I interrupted their squawking, informing them that they were about to back up my entire tee sheet for the day and if they didn’t shake a leg, they’d live to regret it. Mr. Brinkle informed me that it was his step nephew and three friends, but I told him that I had no interest in playing nanny to a half ass family reunion. A precursory pace of play warning was issued.
8:17 a.m. - Hole Six
Noticed a member on his cellular telephone on the tee box. After 45 seconds of this, he was still on his phone as I approached. I asked him to hurry it up, to which he informed me that he was speaking to his wife about a family medical emergency. I told him if his wife or kid isn't currently in an ambulance or dead, the phone needs to be put away in 3,2,1.....A precursory pace of play warning was issued.
9:12 a.m. - Hole 14
Members complaining that the water cooler was empty. The members of the party were visible hungover, making me question their character. I replaced the empty cooler with the full auxiliary cooler on the Marshal’s cart. I issued a stern conduct warning to the party and moved along.
11:45 a.m. - Hole Three
In a moment of frustration, a member took a swipe at a bush near the tee after hooking a drive into the woods. I approached the member, applied a standard wrist hold and subdued the member onto the nearby bench. I then confiscated the club and issued a conduct warning.
1:17 p.m. - Hole 11
Confiscated JBL bluetooth speaker after complaints of loud music. Gave it to Miguel who plans on giving it to his daughter as a wedding gift.
END OF SHIFT
Sunday, September 15
7:42 a.m. - Hole One
Mrs. Cynthia Berry and her arriving party were particularly chatty on the opening tee box and I issued a volume warning, to which they objected. I stepped on the tee box and stood silently between them as they attempted to continue conversing. After they got the hint, they continued on.
8:56 a.m. - Hole Eight
While setting up a temporary observation tower, I witnessed a very young girl driving a club owned golf cart while her grandfather walked to his tee shot. I initiated pursuit in my marshal's cart and executed a dangerous cut off maneuver near the bridge. As the young child fled on foot towards her grandfather, I set my taser on its third lowest setting and fired 2 short bursts and watched her drop (unfortunately on the cart path). As her grandfather tended to her superficial wounds, I lectured them both on club policy regarding minors operating club vehicles.
10:37 a.m. - Hole One
Precursory pace of play warning issued to late arriving 10:36 tee time.
2:28 p.m. - Hole One
Member Bernardina arrived in a solar powered cart. After ridicule from staff and players from his party, the member was informed that solar powered golf carts are not club-approved vehicles. Mr. Bernadina was issued a push cart and allowed to park the cart in the parking lot. Officers Yanda and McGrady dispatched to issue parking ticket.
3:58 p.m. - Driving Range
Observed a member using his irons on the grass despite the seven clear and present “MATS ONLY” signs placed around the range. As I approached, the member quickly attempted to move his bag and jumbo bucket back to the mats. I instructed him to halt, which he did. He attempted to apologize, but I did not accept. After a minor scuffle, I aggressively pushed his face into the dirt area in front of the mat and screamed "You want to hit off the turf!?!?!?! "You want to hit off the turf!?!?!?!?! How does your face feel hitting off the turf!!!!
He sustained several facial contusions and fled the property on foot. I emptied the remains of his jumbo bucket back in to the range ball machine per club policy.
END OF SHIFT
Faithfully submitted and notarized,
Darrel F. Bevins, Head Course Marshal