Members - In the club's commitment for full transparency, I am alerting you that I just received word from the county health department that one of our members tested positive this morning for the Corona Virus.
I know your knee jerk reaction is to ask "which member" and that's only natural. But due to privacy concerns and HIPPA regulations, I am unable to divulge that information. However, I will say that if you played anywhere near the 11:41 tee time yesterday, parked near a late model (pearl white) Kia Optima, or walked by a locker with the initials (KB) on it, I would begin a 14 day self quarantine and get you and your family tested immediately.
Taking this particular member's age, obesity and other risk factors in to account, if the flag is at half-staff next weekend, you'll know why.
I know you're freaked out right now and you certainly should be, but we as a club anticipated something like this might happen and have a contingency plan in place.
This is that all-important point in the process where we need to put civil liberties aside and focus instead on contact tracing.
I've instructed our head marshal Darrel Bevins and his deputy Carl Brubaker to visit each member's home beginning at noon today where you and your family will be subjected to a mandatory Covid-19 interrogation.
Please be prepared to disclose to Darrel and/or Carl every person you have come into contact with in the last 30 days as well as every person that person has come into contact with in the last 30 days. Per the latest CDC guidelines, 'contact' is defined as anyone you have looked at, talked to or had sexual relations with.
Throughout this tracing process, if it is determined that you (or anyone on your contact list) was ever on club grounds the same day that "KB" was, then you will be immediately escorted to a 'dormitory' on the campus of the now defunct Calvary Bible College for a minimum 14 day quarantine period.
We at the club will also be doing our part. We have spaced out tee times from 5 to 7 minutes and randomly shut down holes 2, 4, 7, 13 and 17 to allow for distancing. We are also erecting large panes of plexiglass indiscriminately around the clubhouse to make you feel safer. Finally, I have instructed my staff to wear a face covering down around their chin to signal that we recognize the threat.
I know it's a cliche, but we are all in this together and everyone needs to do their part. Babies need to wear face shields, middle school girls must learn to accept clinical depression due to isolation, and those of us who play golf need to keep our damn hands off the flagstick!
Let's stop the spread!
Here's to a to healthy and prosperous 2022 and a return to normalcy!