OK guys Friday Mailbag time. As we start the tail end of summer, I wanted to remind everyone that this is the perfect time of year to really push your endurance on the course. Temperatures are rising as we move into the “dog days” of summer and it’s a great opportunity to hone your game, get hydrated and increase your stamina in the crucible of summer’s grundle. So let’s get out there and #play18.
Let’s get to this week’s questions. As always, if you have a question, send it on over to email@example.com.
I’ve got a delicate situation that I’m quite certain only you can guide me thru. I belong to an exclusive Country Club with only 200 members. 199 of them are great guys…and we have 1 moron that ruins it for the rest of us. This club has a culture where everyone is included. I’ll be asked 5 times from the parking lot to my locker if I “have a game”. We go out of our way to make sure everyone feels welcome and has a great time. The problem is that Numb Nuts McGee (not his real name) is now including himself in our game and totally ruining it. For example, this derelict actually stood in my line, waiting for me to acknowledge that I heard his read of “one cup to the left” before he moved out of the way. I am an elite player (13.3 index)…I don’t need help reading my putts. And if I did, I would ask Ray Charles for help before this no talent ass clown.
How would you get this person out of your group…for good?
Bill K. - Madison, WI
Thanks for the question, Bill. It’s pretty simple: someone’s gotta take one for the team and f**k this guy’s wife. Extreme measures are the only solution to resolving this absolute lack of course etiquette. It’s a simple “loser leaves town” scenario.
I don’t care if this guy’s wife is pushing two bills (and from what I assume about this guy, she’s probably not the best to look at), you round up your morally ambiguous buddies, draw straws, short man gets loaded up and attempts to mount the beast. I would include a provision on what to do if this guy’s wife is hot, but we all know that simply isn’t the case.
If you (Bill) or a key member of your group has sex with this guy's wife it will be very difficult, if not impossible for him to continue showing up and playing in your game "business as usual."
If you don't have a hero among you, spreading rumors of false on the course cheating allegations can also be an effective way to run a guy out of a club.
I hope this helps. Best of luck!
I have a set Saturday game with 3 other great guys. The problem is that 1 of the guys is a total tight ass and won't spring for a golf cart. So because he is the only walker, it really slows us down. What should we do?
Jeff P. - Bartlesville, OK
This is such a common problem. Usually these are the guys that claim they actually like to walk because it gives them "exercise" or because they enjoy golf the way is was meant to be played blah blah blah.
Nobody's buying it.
We all know the real reason this guy's not springing for a cart is because his wife has him on such a short financial leash that he's scared to death to pay the 20 bucks. Meanwhile, she's a stay at home mom who single handedly keeps Nordstrom's in business.
There's nothing worse than riding up to your ball in the fairway and looking back 240 yards to see 'Old Tom Morris' trudging up the fairway. It's impossible to get a rhythm going.
If you are uncomfortable telling him he is a p*ssy whipped tight ass, then try this: In your next round, I want you and the other guys in golf carts to not break stride. Hit your approaches, putt out and head to the next tee no matter where the walker is.
When you guys are enjoying a cold beverage in the men's grill as he's walking up 14 fairway I think he will get the message.
Hope this helps.
I’ve got a big scramble coming up next month and my teammates want to order a bunch of goofy matching outfits for our team. I’m not completely sold. I’m trying to win C-flight, not look like an ass clown. What are your opinions on coordinated scramble outfits?
Craig J. - Little Rock, AR
Scramble season is winning season. Plain and simple. Whatever edge you think your team needs, you go for it. If that’s goofy socks, Greg Norman straw hats or Walmart polos with the US Constitution printed on them, winning is winning and it must come at any cost. The point is, if you think it will give your team an edge and build camaraderie, do it.
However, I will say this comes with a kicker. If you go all in with the matching outfits, you'd better win. There's nothing more embarrassing than finishing out of the money in K flight and having to mill around the 19th hole during the raffle and silent auction in your pink plaid knickers and matching fedora's.
Okay, guys thanks for the questions. That’ll do it for this week’s mailbag. Remember, if you want to be featured in the mailbag, just shoot your questions over to firstname.lastname@example.org