CPG Staff Meeting Minutes - October 30, 2019

October 30, 2019

Date: Wednesday, October 30, 2019, 8:00 a.m. - 8:41 a.m.

Location: Staff Lounge

Chairperson: Chip Kennedy, General Manager

In Attendance:
Darrell Bevins, Head Course Marshal
Club Pro Guy, Head Golf Pro
Miguel Vega, Head Groundskeeper
DeAndre Barnes, Snack Bar Head Cook
Anastasia Adams, Beverage Cart Attendant

Ernesto Ortiz, Assistant Groundskeeper (waiting for Safelite repairman to replace CPG’s windshield)
Tristan Whiteside (On phone with Brazzers dot com disputing a reoccurring monthly charge)

1. Review of previous minutes
Mr. Kennedy launched the meeting with some urgency, stating he needed an all-hands update on the incidents that began over the weekend at the annual trick-or-treat bonanza and have continued throughout the week. The club is anticipating a considerable rise in mischief as Halloween approaches due to the socio-economic status of our Groupon® member's children and their penchant for vandalism and overall tomfoolery. The club has been in damage control mode all week and this was the first opportunity to get everyone in the same room to give updates on the situation

2. Club security
Mr. Bevins rose and opened the meeting by putting up a color coded chart displaying the club’s disaster readiness level, calling it the Homeland Alert Warning networK, or H.A.W.K.

Using the laser pointer he recently purchased at the Wyandotte County Gun and Knife show, Darrel detailed the chart for those in attendance.

Green - Low risk of shenanigans, club is rarely at this level
Blue - General risk of shenanigans, club regularly operates at this level
Yellow - Elevated risk of shenanigans, club staff are asked to be especially alert during these times
Orange - High risk of shenanigans, Bevins to deploy armored marshal cart and is granted permission to carry high capacity firearms on club grounds
Red - Severe risk of shenanigans, Officers McGrady and Yanda dispatched, club placed on lockdown due to a clear and present danger

Mr. Bevins, wearing tactical camouflage, sunglasses and bandolier, informed the staff that they are currently on the Orange alert level and the status could be upgraded to Red at any moment. He is in constant contact with officers McGrady and Yanda about the situation at hand. He has also utilized his connections with local doomsday preppers, hiring them for the week to surveil and canvas the club grounds regularly. Mr. Kennedy said this was fine as long as they have signed liability waivers and 1099 paperwork before setting foot on club grounds. Mr. Bevins obliged.

Action: Bevins, local PD

3. Pro Shop Booby Traps
Given the recent rise in shoplifting from the pro shop, Mr. Bevins and CPG have been collaborating on extensively booby trapping to reduce the increase in pro shop shrinkage. Mr. Bevins has strategically placed dye packs and ink bombs throughout the shop, especially near items that are vulnerable to theft.  He has also placed thumb tacks in the soles of all Etonics, Woodworm and Sketchers golf footwear, as some shoplifters have been wearing shoes out of the shop and placing their old shoes in the boxes. He has also rubbed down several pairs of sunglasses with capsaicin cream at random, which will cause temporary blindness to those who put them on their face. He has also chained all fire exits and blocked the rear exit with the Pepsi machine. Mr. Kennedy expressed concern that these measures may be against the law, but Mr. Bevins ensured him that while they are necessary, they are only temporary. 

Action: CPG/Bevins

4. Costume Blowback
Mr. Kennedy expressed regret and disappointment in the costumes those in attendance wore to last weekend's club sponsored Trick-or-Treat Bonanza. Mr. Kennedy felt Anastasia's depiction of a "sexy" OB/GYN patient was completely inappropriate for the children in attendance and CPG's Calvin Peete costume was racially insensitive and has unfortunately gone viral on Facebook which has led to several local minority groups calling for a boycott of the club.

Darrel's George S. Patton outfit was fine, but including a live ivory handle replica pistol and letting the children fire it indiscriminately put the club in tremendous legal jeopardy.

Mr. Kennedy then praised and thanked Miguel for his Harry Potter costume.

He asked that all in attendance be mindful of the fact that this is their place of employment and a certain sense of decorum should be followed at all times.

5. Closing remarks
The Chairperson urged the staff to be vigorous and detailed in their duties this week, stating that the club cannot withstand any more hits to our reputation within the community as they could have severe financial consequences. He then read the last two paragraphs of Hillary Clinton's book "It Takes a Village".

6. Next meeting
Wednesday, November 6, 8 a.m.

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