Despite constant interruptions to our season due to the virus, we have still been blessed to welcome several new members to our club due in large part to the success of our Covid19% off sale.
With new members comes much needed new revenue, but it also comes with another HUGE benefit.....new member spouses.
And this crop of "significant others" has been particularly impressive.
Per my policy, I have introduced myself to each and every one of these ladies and let them know that whether they need a personal playing lesson, a shoulder to cry on, or just a fun ride in my Miata, I'm here for them.
The important thing is that we as a club do our best to welcome these ladies and get them involved in member tournaments, because that's the quickest route to improvement. The more respect we show them for their golf game, the more welcome they will feel.
That being said, it's time to rank these new member spouses by their hotness.
Let's get started.5. Shelby Clayman
Oof, Shelby is rough.
I introduced myself to her a couple weeks ago in the shop as her husband Barry (8.8 index) was signing up for Thursday Night Men's League.
Her first question to me was why there wasn't a cigarette machine in the ladies locker room.
Shelby works the front desk at 'Skin del Sol', a local tanning salon because she gets unlimited free tanning. The skin on Shelby's face looks like Tom Watson's neck, and after 40 years of smoking two packs of Merit Blues a day, her voice has a gruff, unattractive pitch.
Sadly, Shelby joins a list of maybe 10 or 12 women at the club I wouldn't do...even in a pinch.
Rating: 1.5 Top Flite Magnas (out of 5)
4. Meredith Vaughn
Meredith and her husband Nevin come to us via job transfer from Wichita. The Vaughn's have developed a habit of treating the club as a de facto day care facility for their 3 children as they seemingly run wild on club grounds (unattended). They have billed a total of $175.67 at the snack bar so far this summer, which is a welcome stimulus to club revenue. Their youngest son (Oliver) made waves earlier this month by shitting himself on the pool deck and thus ruining a chaise lounge. The Vaughn's paid to replace it in full, but the lounge chair was ultimately decommissioned (Miguel took it home) and those dollars were instead allocated to our COVID-19 employee relief fund.
Sadly, Mrs. Vaughn’s body has been ravaged by her three children. It's obvious that at some point during the Obama years she made a conscious decision that being a 'mom' is more important than being a hot wife. I would love to see a picture of her from circa 2005 because I believe the potential is there, but the fact that she wears a 'tank-ini' at the pool shows you she has officially 'waived the white flag' on trying to be sexy.Sad!
Husbad - Cal
This is where the creamers start to rise. The Henderson's recently sent their final child off to college and Libby took the opportunity to enroll in a neighboring YMCA Booty Blast Cardio class. Her long lost feminine form appears to be returning with each passing week.
If I'm being honest, a breast enhancement would do wonders for Libby at this point. Not necessarily bigger, but some lift and separation would go a long, long way. She has to know this.....but why doesn't she act? Could be financial, but I'm not one to pry. Ultimately, it's none of my business.
I had an interesting exchange with Libby recently as I was fitting her for a Strata box set. She casually mentioned that her husband Cal "is always traveling" and when he IS home, all he cares about is watching CNBC and doing research for his "stupid" Fantasy Football team.
Huge opportunity here. Stay tuned.
Rating - 3.5 Top Flite Magnas
2. Geri Callahan
The top end of this year’s class of wives is perhaps the strongest we’ve seen at the club during my tenure. Mrs. Callahan is what we club pro's call a 'blue chip' prospect.
Platinum blonde hair, third marriage, childless, with breasts that have set off a lively debate in the pro shop regarding their authenticity. Geri married former NBA "D" league player Derrick Callahan and has been saddled with four step-sons that she has no interest in parenting while on club grounds. Her oldest son (Marcus) was recently in a physical confrontation with our head marshal Darrel Bevins for riding a skateboard on the cartpath which resulted in Marcus suffering a broken collarbone. The investigation was inconclusive because Darrel's body cam was turned off.
The combination of Derrick's constant travels as a scout for the San Antonio Spurs and her faded tramp stamp that reads "I'll try anything.....twice", makes me think I've got a legitimate long term shot here.
Rating - 4 Top Flite Magnas
1. Gabriela Gonzalez-Ryan
Imagine Catherine Zeta Jones but much trashier.
Do I have your attention?
This wife of Seth Ryan (of Ryan Lawn and Garden) barely speaks a lick of English, has thick Latina quads, and doesn't understand the meaning of modesty.
Right up my alley.
She is rarely seen around the club, but when she’s here, she makes her presence known. You can hear her car pulling into the lot, as the reggaeton music builds to a crescendo and she reveals her stunning figure as she struts across the gravel parking lot to the pool.
We've received numerous complaints from members of the Ladies Association who claimed Gabriela was “showing too much ass” on pool grounds. Those complaints were reviewed and ultimately dismissed.
Miguel is absolutely in love with her. He and Ernesto have re-sodded the grass adjacent to the pool deck four times already this summer.
Our Hispanic princess takes the crown in this year’s power rankings and rightfully so.
Rating: 5 Top Flite Magnas