OH-em-geeeeee you guys. It’s Valentine’s Day. Regardless of your relationship status, this is one of the best days of the year. If you’re in a relationship, you get to express your love and appreciation to your person. If you’re single, it’s the best night of the year to find another desperate bachelor/bachelorette and break your four-month dry spell. If you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s a great way to turn a very public argument over a $80 three-course dinner at Macaroni Grill into a very public breakup on social media. I am speaking from experience, of course.
Anyhoo, let’s get to your questions. It’s a time of year for lovers, old and new...or the guy you met at Bonaroo a couple summers ago who travels to your town for business every few months. So let’s rekindle those old flames! Ignite passions over 1am texts! Put $200 worth of lingerie on your Southwest credit card.Ana,Love the mailbag! I’m a girl, so it might be a change for you but I still feel like you give the BEST advice to men and women alike. I’m alone this Valentine’s Day and am not up for going out to a bar to try to find Mr. Right Now. I want something serious. I want to be in a relationship that has value and means something. I want it to enrich my life and set me up for success. Any advice?Kara L. - Austin, TX
Kara, mah GURL! Independent women like us don’t need no man...but I totally get where you’re coming from. This is the hardest stretch of the year for us single women. The holidays roll into failed diet and exercise routine season, then it’s Valentine’s Day and the Tinder matches have run dry and you’re looking at going to another sex toy sales party hosted by your weird aunt. When it comes to fulfilling relationships, all that matters is 6-6-6. No, not the devil silly! I’m talking six-feet tall, six figures in the bank and six inch...you know. Or, let the law of averages play out and go six-feet tall, mid-five figures and a seven inch...you know.
Don’t spend Valentine’s Day at the bars. Gross. A bunch of thirty dudes looking to score with desperate women. No way, sister. You need to head to the nicest hotel bar in town, wear the sluttiest dress you own and hunker down at the bar and catch a wild stallion. I’m talking about business travelers, honey. Yes, I know you said you don’t want Mr. Right Now, but often these guys are just looking for companionship on the road. They may be in town for an important meeting or a friend’s wedding and are ready to blow off some steam. Best case scenario, they give you mediocre sex and mistake you for a hooker and leave $300 on the dresser for you. Win-win!Cart girl,I’m getting the feeling that my woman is emotionally manipulating me. She flies off the handle when I ask her to do anything or when I do something that makes her unhappy. It’s exhausting. Last week, we were out to dinner and I asked her if she wanted to get some oysters to kick things off. She then said “Oh will that make you want to fuck me again??” I was taken aback, as was everyone else in that particular Brazilian steakhouse. She then proceeded to berate me about having “mommy issues” later that night and said I’ll be a bad father. I just wanted some damn oysters. What’s going on with her?Brad F. - Houston, TX
Brad, your woman is in need. She’s in need of what I like to call “TLP” or “Tender, Love and PAY ATTENTION TO ME”. Any time a woman is lashing out, you’re not fulfilling her. A woman is like a precious flower. She needs constant love, care and attention. Maybe she mentioned earlier in the day that she didn’t feel like seafood. So while you may have chosen a Brazilian steakhouse for dinner, the sheer notion that you would order seafood in front of her is disrespectful. The best way to get back into her good graces is to take her to the nearest Lululemon shop and buy her some new stuff after you sit around for a couple hours. It’s only fair.
What are you going to do, break up with her? She actually might confront you with that very question. It’s a savvy move. She is going to push all of her chips to the middle of the table and you better be ready, buster! Take care of your woman, honey.
Okay, guys! That’s it for this week’s mailbag. Ugh. These are exhausting. Okay, back to my six-hour Gossip Girl binge.