Attached is my incident report from this past weekend. Remember: if you see something, say something.
Saturday, September 28
7:42 a.m. - Hole One
Many of you have asked about the loud explosion that had come from the first hole early Saturday morning. I had installed a StingRay 7500 pellet mine behind the “CARTS OFF” signage in front of the number one green. This device disperses 700 rubber pellets at 200 feet per second. As I observed two guests drive their carts beyond the sign, I deployed my remote detonator, releasing the charge and subduing the offending parties. Writhing in agony as I approached both guests had purchased a Groupon single day membership. One member had several puncture wounds and the other claimed he had completely lost his field of vision. As I attempted to cuff them, they both fled the premises on foot. Miguel and Ernesto were dispatched to clear the fairway of the ordnance as the pellets are not biodegradable. Miguel plans on melting the pellets down and making tire patches for the mower fleet and Ernesto commandeered the perpetrators golf clubs and put them on 2ndswing dot com. Win-win.
8:27 a.m. - Hole Three
Observed an abandoned cart just inside the treeline off to the right of the fairway. The cart did not have bags attached nor were there any signs of the cart being previously occupied. I found a trail of footprints, roughly men’s sizes eight and nine, leading into the woods and followed it for roughly a quarter mile before losing it at Milford’s Creek, just off of the property and out of my jurisdiction. Officers Yanda and McGrady notified. Likely teenagers attempting to steal a cart. GPS tracking device installed on the cart after it was returned to the corral.
9:32 a.m. - Hole 13
Guests complained of a leaky cooler. Upon inspection, a crack in the spigot was the cause. I fixed with duct tape and returned the cooler. The guests asked whether or not the solution was sanitary. I said “You know what? You may be right.” After which I retrieved my aluminum bat from the Marshal’s Cart and proceeded to destroy the cooler in front of the guests. Literally beating it in to thousands of tiny plastic fragments. I then replaced it with the spare cooler in the cart.
11:48 a.m. - Hole Seven
Member observed eating a bagged lunch. Banana, turkey sandwich and nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips. After notifying the member that outside food and beverage is strictly prohibited on club grounds, I proceeded to literally eat the remainder of his lunch while he watched.
1:19 p.m. - Hole 16
Observed member Halford seven-putt. Rate of play warning issued.
3:49 p.m. - Hole 18
Multiple players complained of a laser pointer coming from the third floor of the apartments across the street. I took the Marshal’s Cart across the street to confront the individual. After being denied entry to the building by the landlord, I called Officers McGrady and Yanda to obtain a search warrant for the premises. After three hours, I had not heard back from them and had not received any more complaints. I will remain vigilant.
END OF SHIFT
Sunday, September 29
7:38 a.m. - Hole Two
I spotted spent sunflower seeds on the putting service. Due to it being early morning I knew the guilty party had to be among the first three groups. In order to be non-confrontational and establish a rapport before I interrogated them, I approached each group by saying "Whoever's been spitting seeds is about to be spitting blood". All three groups denied involvement (of course) so with my index finger, I did a thorough oral inspection of each players mouth and found no trace of the seeds. My guess is that Alejandro was responsible when he mowed the greens. Will take up the issue with Miguel.
9:59 a.m. - Hole Nine
DeAndre continues his “Sunday Cookout” nonsense, setting up a charcoal grill at the turn and selling various food items. The food is fine, too much seasoning for my taste. Regardless, as he was setting up for the lunch hour, I noticed him using far too much lighter fluid on the charcoal. As I saw him strike a match, I ran towards him in an effort to avoid the oncoming catastrophe. Unfortunately, I knocked over the grill and spilled the soaked briquets all over the ground. The match ignited the charcoal and a blazing inferno ensued on the clubhouse patio. I retrieved the fire extinguisher from the Marshal’s Cart and put out the fire. DeAndre was luckily treated for second degree burns by Ernesto who alertly plunged his hand into a nearby soda cooler. Crisis averted.
10:53 a.m. - Hole One
Precursory rate of play warning issued to late arriving 10:52 tee time.
12:24 p.m. - Hole 14
Member discarded a foil hot dog wrapper in the tee box. I swiftly approached, applied a standard wrist hold and escorted the member over to the trash can where he properly disposed of the soiled wrapper.
3:28 p.m. - Hole 17
Observed a cart driving erratically, so I engaged in pursuit. After observing for several minutes, I deduced that the member was in fact drunk. I pulled in front of the cart at the 18th tee box and began my line of questioning and then administered a sobriety test. After 20 minutes, it was decided that the operator was certainly under the influence of a foreign substance. Local PD called to the scene. Dash cam footage and urine sample submitted to local PD. However, arriving officers notified me that since the urine sample was not obtained legally and could not be booked into evidence.
END OF SHIFT
Faithfully submitted and notarized,
Darrel T. Bevins, Head Course Marshal