OK guys, welcome to this week’s mailbag. Really quickly I want to remind everyone that the D.A. Weibring ballroom is now available for booking your fantasy football draft. Last year, we saw record numbers, along with record alcohol sales. The club is ready to accommodate your league!
Let’s get to this week’s questions.
Similar to your budding rivalry with Betty Simmons, I have also begun to develop a rivalry with one of my men’s league opponents. He’s a nice enough guy, but it always seems like we’re finishing within a couple strokes of each other. Our games are comparable, but I need an edge. We’re paired together next week and I think it’s time to enact some mental warfare. What are your thoughts and/or suggestions on trash talk?
Mike H. - Cedar Rapids, IA
Mike, I’m a competitor. I like to compete. This means not only being the most prepared player on the course, but also the most ruthless. Turn the screws on this guy.
Let's say this guy's wife is named "Susan". Begin to 'Like' Susan's Facebook statuses and do some background research to see if you have any mutual friends with her. After laying this initial groundwork, begin planting the seeds that one of your buddy’s was romantically involved with Susan at some point in the past. The thought of his wife banging another man at any point in her life is a recipe to throw a man off his game completely.
Start innocently enough by asking him how Susan is doing, then begin weaving your web of insecurity and trap him in it. Ask him about where Susan went on spring break in college, what kinds of restaurants she frequents, then bring down the hammer and ask him if he knows your buddy Reggie. Tell him that Reggie went to college with Susan and wanted to know if everyone still calls her "anything goes" Susan or "Suzy Q likes it 2 x 2".
He’ll undoubtedly have his face buried in his phone for the rest of the round, firing off inquiring texts to the Mrs. and the wheels will start spinning out. It’s a classically effective method that I have enacted several times. Best of luck.
My buddy recently started taking hot yoga and he says it has added 10 yards to his drives and improved his flexibility. I’m a little cautious because functional strength training has worked for me in the past and I’d like to avoid a smelly, overcrowded yoga studio on a regular basis. What are your suggestions for elongating my game off the tees?
Greg F. - Sarasota, FL
My advice is to go to yoga for the scenery, not the golf benefits.
A lot of people don't realize that hitting long drives isn't about flexibility or technique, it's about brute strength. That's why Mark Wahlberg is such an elite driver of the golf ball.
The good news is you don't have to join one of those ultra high-end fitness centers like Planet Fitness in order to get ripped. I have a Bowflex in my condo complex gym and that's pretty much all I need to hit it long.
I you're not a 'workout' kind of guy, there are some shortcuts that I recommend such as Human Growth Hormone (HGH) and other supplements. They get a bad rap in the media but are a quick and effective way to build mass, which is the key to bombing it.
Hope this helps.
As always, if you have a question for the mailbag, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org