Darrel Bevins Incident Report - Holiday Weekend Edition

Course Marshal Incident Report: Weekend of July 5-7

All, 

Attached is my incident report from this past weekend. As you well know, it was the Fourth of July weekend and it was a shame to see such disgraceful, unlawful behavior on the course. The Founding Fathers would be rolling over in their graves had they seen the unruly behavior by members and guests. In their honor, I was exceptionally vigilant in my duties. We are a country of laws.

Included in this week’s incident report is my night watch from the Fourth of July in which I encountered numerous trespassing and unlawful incidents.

Thursday, July 4
Independence Day Night Watch

7:47 p.m.: Placed “NO PARKING” signs in parking lot to discourage anyone from using our parking lot to view the fireworks show from the county softball fields two miles down the road.

8:59 p.m.: Ruckus observed coming from near the pro shop. Discovered family of raccoons turning over trash cans. Retrieved shotgun from the camper shell of my truck, but the animals had dispersed upon my return.

9:12 p.m.: Chased group of teenagers off of #7 fairway. Confiscated citrus variety pack of White Claw Hard Seltzer. Remaining beverages stored in mini fridge in staff break room. Please ask before drinking.

10:37 p.m.: As I was draping the marshal’s cart in camouflage netting, I heard fireworks coming from the #3 putting green. Removed camouflage netting and began pursuit. I fired multiple warning shots with my sidearm as I approached. The offending parties had scattered by the time I arrived. Booked spent “Uncle Sam’s Justice” 28-shell firework into Marshal’s evidence locker. Fingerprint analysis forthcoming.

11:26 p.m.: Encountered two teenagers engaging in what appeared to be premarital sexual intercourse on the #12 green. They fled on foot into the woods before I was able to apprehended them. A pair of Lee Dungaree (size 30/34) carpenter jeans was recovered at the scene.

12:32 a.m.: I silently observed a group of youths entering through the south end of the property and shortly after, smelled cannabis. I had smartly stowed an electric cart nearby so I could approach potential subjects under the cover of darkness and silence. After slowly approaching them, I flipped on the floodlight I had attached to the windshield and began my pursuit. All of them scattered, except for one overweight male in his early 20s in a Dead & Co. t-shirt.

I ran him down and pinned his leg beneath the cart while contacting police. Officers McGrady and Yanda showed up shortly thereafter and ran an identity check on the perp. He had a “failure to appear” warrant out for his arrest and was taken into police custody. I asked Officers McGrady and Yanda if this qualified me for any civilian service medals, and they said they would get back to me on it. Justice served.

Friday, July 5

6:03 a.m.: Discovered that the entire green on #6 had been nearly destroyed by amateur fireworks. Due to the ongoing draught, the dry grass caught fire and quickly spread. Thankfully due to the malfunctioning sprinklers on that hole, the fire was extinguished before engulfing the surrounding area and adjacent groundskeeper shed that had previously been filled with gasoline cans. Miguel dispatched to cover green with sand and relocate gas cans. Re-sod planned for Monday, March 5th.

8:37 a.m.: Apparel warning issued to guest wearing American flag cotton polo. Upon questioning, the offending party had purchased the shirt on Amazon.com. Per the American Legion United States Flag Code, Section 8(i):

“No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations. The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing.”

Guest permitted to play as long as he removed the apparel. Guest cooperated and purchased Cutter & Buck polo from pro shop.

10:47 a.m.: Was dispatched to the #13 fairway due to another Cart #73 malfunction. The cart had suffered an entire tire blowout on the passenger side and catastrophic bag harness failure. Upon inspection, the cart’s governor had yet again malfunctioned, causing excess speeding to occur, subsequently blowing out the tires in a large pothole on the cart path. After a brief argument with the driver of the cart about what/who was at fault for the mishap, I unclipped my sidearm to calm the situation, but did not discharge my weapon. Cart #73 replaced with Cart #36. Cart #73 scheduled for maintenance later this week. Miguel suggested it be retired from the fleet or converted to an auxiliary Marshal’s cart. His suggestion was noted, but not considered.

12:07 p.m.: Attended to member violently vomiting on #12 tee box. After accusing the party of being intoxicated, it was discovered that the member had consumed a hot dog from the snack bar at the turn. Internal investigation underway. Suggestion made to snack bar to crank up the temperature on the roller grill and increase cooking times to avoid foodborne illnesses.

1:46 p.m.: Responded to complaint of slow play involving a six-some on the fourth hole. Knowing sixomes are strictly prohibited, an elderly gentleman in the group claimed his wife was not actually playing but simply riding along and reading a book. After having her produce the book in question and demanding that she give me a cursory summary of the plot, I let the group proceed without incident. 

3:47 p.m.: Responded to complaint of range ball dispenser malfunction. Machine was eating tokens, attempted to fix the machine by rocking it back and forth. After no progress, I retrieved my aluminum baseball bat from the Marshal’s cart to continue troubleshooting the problem, but Corey from the pro shop had already tended to the problem and fixed the issue by the time I returned.

END OF SHIFT

Saturday, July 6

7:07 a.m.: Precursory rate of play warning issued to late arriving 7:05 a.m. party.

9:34 a.m.: Received word of an altercation escalating on #15 fairway. Members O’Hearn and Scott had disagreed about relief from the muddy low ground just off of the second cut.

Both members had their shirts off and had fallen into the mud during their dispute. Visibly drunk and disorderly, I drew my taser and fired indiscriminately at the two men, subduing member O’Hearn thus diffusing the situation.

Member O’Hearn was escorted off property in an ambulance. Member Scott and the remaining party members finished the round without further incident.

Note to club management: Our supply of Tuff Cuffs is extremely low. My initial estimate of three dozen pairs for this season was short. We will need a resupply during our next trip to Costco.

11:27 a.m.: Observed amateur fireworks coming from south quadrant of the parking lot. Came upon five Hispanic youths illegally shooting fireworks.

Police and local ICE officers were notified immediately after I finished my initial line of questioning. Officers McGrady and Yanda arrived shortly after, but it was discovered that the offending parties were not illegal immigrants, but rather the owners of the taqueria across the street. Suspects were let off with a warning from the officers, but I confiscated the fireworks and inventoried them as follows:

-Four “Nuclear Sunrise” mortar shells

2:35 p.m.: Responded to noise complaint on #8 tee box. Members listening to Jimmy Buffett at an unreasonable volume. Confiscated Bose Soundlink speaker.

Miguel claimed it was worth “mucho dinero” and said he knew someone who would buy it, but my integrity does not have a pricetag. Item returned upon completion of round.

END OF SHIFT

Faithfully submitted and notarized,

Darrel Bevins, Head Course Marshal