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MEMORANDUM
To: Membership
From: Charles "Chip" Kennedy, General Manager
Subject: COVID-19 UPDATE
Wow! What scary times we live in! Yikes!
Who's complaining about green speeds now? haha
In all seriousness, we have received so many questions from the membership regarding the club's COVID-19 preparedness plan that I thought I would send out this memo to the membership in an effort to put everyones mind at ease. I have included a handy Q&A for the most common questions we have been receiving.
1. Is it true our head greenskeeper Miguel Vega has contracted the virus?
Yes :(
Miguel contracted the virus and is currently undergoing a mandatory quarantine. As I write this, Miguel is still alive. But due to his age, lack of health insurance and what we're hearing on cable news, we don't expect him to live much longer.
During Miggy's absence, Ernesto and Alejandro have been named provisional 'co' head greenskeepers. Unfortunately this has caused a major power struggle, which is one of the reasons the course has been neglected the past week.
Ernesto is now showing up to work in a Bolo tie and refusing to do manual labor while Alejandro says he won't "cut one blade of grass" until a Golden Parachute provision is put into his contract similar to what other top executives get.
I've asked our head marshal Darrel Bevins to mediate the situation and we hope to have a resolution soon.
2. My entire family shook Miguel's hand at last Saturday night's "Meet the Superintendent" cocktail party. Should we be concerned?
Yes
3. What about the rest of the maintenance staff? They worked in close contact with Miguel. Are they at risk of being infected?
Anything is possible, but shortly after Miguel became symptomatic he proactively decided to sit in the bed of the truck that transports he and his staff to and from work each day. So we feel like the chance of transmission to co-workers is low.
4. I played a quick 9 yesterday afternoon and noticed our head marshal Darrel Bevins patrolling the course on an ATV and wearing tactical gear. Is that normal?
Due to the severity of this crisis, Darrel has asked for (and received) certain 'emergency powers'. These powers include the ability to surveil, interrogate, examine, detain and forcibly quarantine any member (or guest) he deems symptomatic.
5. Should we expect beverage cart service to be interrupted in any way?
Yes.
The day the virus was first reported I received a text from Anastasia that read: "Went to Cabo with my personal trainer. Be back when this gross virus is gone......yuck!"
6. What about the 2020 Events Calendar? Should we expect any tournaments to be cancelled due to the virus?
Not at this time.
Fortunately, the only major club event on the calendar in the next 60 days is our ladies member/member, The 'MILF Masters'. This is an event CPG will be very hesitant to cancel under any circumstance.
For those members who think that might be reckless, rest assured we've run the numbers.
At 96 women in the field, the max number of players that could get infected is 6-8 (per CDC estimates). Out of those, only 3 will be symptomatic. Out of those 3, only 2 will be hospitalized, which means we're talking about one death......max.
We don't feel like that's worth cancelling THE premier ladies event of the year.
7. I heard most of our outside 'corporate' events have already cancelled due to the virus. What's the club's plan to make up for this loss in revenue?
Great question.
The club is planning to roll out a 'stimulus' package that includes a one-time mandatory member assessment coupled with a massive dues increase. This, along with a significant cut in service levels and overall amenities should get us through this crisis.
Thank you to everyone for your questions and your concerns. TOGETHER, we will get through this! Stay safe everyone and as always.....we'll see you at the club!
